D-Day Minus 40: WTF????

After the boys and I returned from our Virginia vacation, life settled into the usual summer routine. Susan and I continued to text each other, and our families saw each other at the weekly hockey games. Brad and Mitch were also still getting together for their adult hockey games each Wednesday. I didn’t know it at the time, but Brad and Susan had begun emailing and instant messaging each other. Had I known about it, I probably wouldn’t have thought much about it, because I trusted Brad.

In September, Susan found this class on reincarnation and asked me if I would take it with her. I don’t know how I feel about reincarnation; parts of it make sense to me and other parts it doesn’t, so the idea of the class was interesting. And it would give us something else to talk about besides family and hockey. The classes were on Sunday afternoons. Afterwards we would walk on the beach and chat. I enjoyed that because we had a chance to get to try to know each other better.

We also went shopping one time that fall. On this trip Susan told me about an old friend of Mitch’s. Apparently they were very close but had a big argument and now they don’t speak at all. This guy had even lived with them for a while. In the midst of the story, Susan mentioned that Mitch felt this guy had feelings for her. I was going to ask if that was part of the reason for the falling out, but I didn’t get a chance to. I still don’t know that answer.

In mid-October Susan asked me if I wanted to go to dinner. She thought that since Mitch and Brad got together weekly, we should too. Truthfully I was ambivalent about it. The thought of meeting weekly seemed like a lot, since we already saw each other every weekend at the hockey games. I liked her, but I never got the feeling that we were going to be really close. Really we are very different. So this felt a bit forced. In fact the shopping trip we took really was forced on me and I went into that kicking and screaming. Brad set it up with Susan. I complained that I didn’t need play dates scheduled for me. But it really seemed important to him, so I went.

Anyway, I agreed to a dinner out. Susan seemed nervous, almost uncomfortable. Towards the end of the dinner, she excused herself and went to the rest room. When she returned she said she had something that she wanted to share with me. She was visibly nervous and admitted it. I put on my poker face and prepared myself for whatever it was.

“Mitch and I don’t have a traditional relationship.” She said. Oh God, where was this going? She went on to tell me that four years prior, Mitch confessed to an affair with Nancy. When he told Susan, he stated that he was in love with both Nancy and Susan, and couldn’t imagine life without either of them. So Susan made a decision to share Mitch with Nancy. Mitch spends alternating nights at Nancy’s house and sneaks back in the house before the children wake up. They name the nights “S night” and “N night”. Susan was so nervous telling me this that I knew she really needed me to be ok with it. And actually I was. I was a shocked, yes, but I’m not naïve to think that all families are exactly the same. And my feeling is that if no one is being hurt, then why judge it harshly? They’ve found something that worked for them, so who am I to condemn it? Was it something that I could imagine being part of? Absolutely not. But their family choices don’t have to be the same as mine.

Susan told me that I was the first person she had talked to about their situation. Since Mitch has his own business he was terrified that this could ruin his reputation and his career. And, since Nancy works for him, it could take their entire family down financially. I assured her that their secret was safe with me.

I asked her a few questions, but really my mind was reeling from this revelation. She said that this type of relationship is called polyamory. It means that there is an equal loving feeling between several people, not just two. In their case it was a triangle. Her love for Mitch and Nancy were equal. And Mitch’s love for her and Nancy were equal. I questioned this, because to me it sounded more like they were two spokes connected to Mitch, not an equal triangle. She admitted that I was right, and that she and Nancy didn’t have as strong a connection as Mitch wanted them to have. In fact, watching her talk about Nancy was very interesting, because it was clear that there were issues between them.

As Susan and I were getting into our cars, she told me that she thought Mitch may have mentioned something to Brad but she wasn’t sure. And that I should feel free to discuss it with him. I thanked her for her honesty, and her trust in me for revealing her secret. As I was heading home I thought; “Oh my God! I knew there was something weird at that dinner in July! Wait until I tell Brad! “ But when I told him, I found out he already knew. In fact he had known for a while, but hadn’t told me because he didn’t think it was his story to tell. This revelation freaked me out more than anything else I had heard that evening. I thought we told each other everything. What else don’t I know?