D-Day Minus 135 – making connections

I headed up to Virginia a few weeks after that first dinner. My parents live there and the boys went up to visit them for a few weeks and take sailing lessons. I went up to visit and bring them home. Brad stayed with the dogs and finished up some of the house jobs that we had started. We wanted to surprise the boys by completely renovating their bedrooms, which turned out to be a bigger task than we anticipated. In fact we spent all of our time alone working on the rooms instead of doing something fun or romantic. We should have made time for us.

While up in Virginia, my parents, the boys and I drove to DC to see the sights. In the middle of this sightseeing trip I received a text from an unknown number. It was from Susan. Brad had given her my number and she wanted to say hello. This began my friendship with her. We became texting buddies – usually texting each other 3-5 times per day.

I’m a quiet person, I’m really quite shy and private. And I had just gotten a phone with a QWERTY keyboard, so texting was pretty new to me. Susan’s initial texts were a bit surprising and uncomfortable. I didn’t really know what to say. But I learned that texting meant I didn’t have to say much at all. Short, simple comments are all that are needed. I found it fun and easy and very light.

We learned about each other bit by bit. Really we didn’t have much in common; she considers herself a girly-girl who loves pink, whereas I am the exact opposite. Pink is my least favorite color and I never had much patience with girly-girl types. I work out of the house, and she is a stay-at-home mom. I love to run whereas she hates exercise. I read and watched the news daily, but she hates the news because it is too sad, scary and ugly. But we were both hockey moms and wives, and our husbands and our sons were friends. So we chatted about them. Looking back, I now realize I was a really good source of information.

While I was gone Brad had a hockey game. Mitch was playing too, and Susan came to watch and cheer them on. During the game some words were exchanged between the two benches. Apparently Brad was insulted and let his temper flare as he stormed off the ice. He headed into the locker room to change and go home. Susan followed him to see what had happened. He was furious and she managed to calm him. While they talked he was ripping his uniform off and stuffing it into his bag, not even thinking about the fact that he was stripping in front of her until the last minute. This apparently was an awkward but intriguing moment for them. It was the moment that their initial connection was made. The incident eased the tension that Brad felt from the game and he ended up going out with everyone for drinks.

Thoughts on Anger

We never fought in our marriage. Not ever. We didn’t know how to. And this became a real problem, because infidelity is a huge issue that a couple has to tackle. Both parties have to feel safe communicating their feelings honestly, and both have to be able to accept the other party’s comments. We were a mess.

I’ve said this before – I’m not good at anger. Actually it’s more than that. I suck at anger. I mean it. I think it’s because I end up feeling worse afterwards. Not immediately afterwards, but a day or so later I feel I have to apologize to everyone who may have had to witness my tantrum. And I feel childish afterwards. It just doesn’t work for me, and isn’t worth it.

Brad is on the other end of the spectrum. He’s a master at anger. Apparently he had a terrible temper as a child, which is a really scary thought, because his temper now is, well, terrifying. Once when we had been living together for about six months or so we got into an argument. We were living in an apartment at the time. He threw his wine glass at the sliding glass door. It shattered. The plate glass window exploded. The wine glass was obliterated.

I learned quickly that making him feel bad about himself is a no-no. That is the worst thing you can do to him. Doesn’t matter what the subject is - money, friends, sex, kids, jobs, household stuff – whatever. If he feels that he’s being accused of being a bad guy he comes out guns blazing. His attacks are vicious, and he leaves his victims barely breathing. My discomfort at displaying anger increased, because now I was afraid of angering him. So I shut up. Or rather I swallowed the feelings and shut down.

One time a friend of his sent an email chiding him that he was losing his athletic touch. Granted the email had a few more zingers than it needed but it was meant to be funny, not mean. But Brad was terribly offended and felt foolish (which is another form of feeling bad about himself). He was furious. He went off. And that was the end of their relationship.

So where am I going with this? What happens to a couple of such extremes? Well, it worked, because I just backed off, and he controlled the house. If I didn’t like something, or was hurt by his behavior, I couldn’t tell him, so I didn’t. And if he didn’t like the way things were going he’d yell, scream and break something to regain what he felt was the upper hand.

We were really good at communicating through humor. When I was angry I could still use jokes to get through the day. And I could diffuse him with laughter too. It removed the stress.

Please don’t think that we lived together with him forever simmering and me simpering. Our life was really terrific 99% of the time. But we never learned how to handle conflict. I never learned to speak my mind confidently and he never learned to take responsibility. So when we found ourselves in the middle of this affair, neither of us was prepared to work our way through it because we had never learned how to fight. And it is so necessary if a marriage is going to survive.