D-Day Minus 40: WTF????

After the boys and I returned from our Virginia vacation, life settled into the usual summer routine. Susan and I continued to text each other, and our families saw each other at the weekly hockey games. Brad and Mitch were also still getting together for their adult hockey games each Wednesday. I didn’t know it at the time, but Brad and Susan had begun emailing and instant messaging each other. Had I known about it, I probably wouldn’t have thought much about it, because I trusted Brad.

In September, Susan found this class on reincarnation and asked me if I would take it with her. I don’t know how I feel about reincarnation; parts of it make sense to me and other parts it doesn’t, so the idea of the class was interesting. And it would give us something else to talk about besides family and hockey. The classes were on Sunday afternoons. Afterwards we would walk on the beach and chat. I enjoyed that because we had a chance to get to try to know each other better.

We also went shopping one time that fall. On this trip Susan told me about an old friend of Mitch’s. Apparently they were very close but had a big argument and now they don’t speak at all. This guy had even lived with them for a while. In the midst of the story, Susan mentioned that Mitch felt this guy had feelings for her. I was going to ask if that was part of the reason for the falling out, but I didn’t get a chance to. I still don’t know that answer.

In mid-October Susan asked me if I wanted to go to dinner. She thought that since Mitch and Brad got together weekly, we should too. Truthfully I was ambivalent about it. The thought of meeting weekly seemed like a lot, since we already saw each other every weekend at the hockey games. I liked her, but I never got the feeling that we were going to be really close. Really we are very different. So this felt a bit forced. In fact the shopping trip we took really was forced on me and I went into that kicking and screaming. Brad set it up with Susan. I complained that I didn’t need play dates scheduled for me. But it really seemed important to him, so I went.

Anyway, I agreed to a dinner out. Susan seemed nervous, almost uncomfortable. Towards the end of the dinner, she excused herself and went to the rest room. When she returned she said she had something that she wanted to share with me. She was visibly nervous and admitted it. I put on my poker face and prepared myself for whatever it was.

“Mitch and I don’t have a traditional relationship.” She said. Oh God, where was this going? She went on to tell me that four years prior, Mitch confessed to an affair with Nancy. When he told Susan, he stated that he was in love with both Nancy and Susan, and couldn’t imagine life without either of them. So Susan made a decision to share Mitch with Nancy. Mitch spends alternating nights at Nancy’s house and sneaks back in the house before the children wake up. They name the nights “S night” and “N night”. Susan was so nervous telling me this that I knew she really needed me to be ok with it. And actually I was. I was a shocked, yes, but I’m not naïve to think that all families are exactly the same. And my feeling is that if no one is being hurt, then why judge it harshly? They’ve found something that worked for them, so who am I to condemn it? Was it something that I could imagine being part of? Absolutely not. But their family choices don’t have to be the same as mine.

Susan told me that I was the first person she had talked to about their situation. Since Mitch has his own business he was terrified that this could ruin his reputation and his career. And, since Nancy works for him, it could take their entire family down financially. I assured her that their secret was safe with me.

I asked her a few questions, but really my mind was reeling from this revelation. She said that this type of relationship is called polyamory. It means that there is an equal loving feeling between several people, not just two. In their case it was a triangle. Her love for Mitch and Nancy were equal. And Mitch’s love for her and Nancy were equal. I questioned this, because to me it sounded more like they were two spokes connected to Mitch, not an equal triangle. She admitted that I was right, and that she and Nancy didn’t have as strong a connection as Mitch wanted them to have. In fact, watching her talk about Nancy was very interesting, because it was clear that there were issues between them.

As Susan and I were getting into our cars, she told me that she thought Mitch may have mentioned something to Brad but she wasn’t sure. And that I should feel free to discuss it with him. I thanked her for her honesty, and her trust in me for revealing her secret. As I was heading home I thought; “Oh my God! I knew there was something weird at that dinner in July! Wait until I tell Brad! “ But when I told him, I found out he already knew. In fact he had known for a while, but hadn’t told me because he didn’t think it was his story to tell. This revelation freaked me out more than anything else I had heard that evening. I thought we told each other everything. What else don’t I know?

D-Day Plus 21: The Epiphany

It had been about three weeks since Brad had told me about his feelings for Susan and I was reeling. I was in shock and hurting so incredibly much. The pain was intense. I had no idea I would feel actual physical pain. My skin felt burnt and my stomach ached. I thought my heart was truly breaking into tiny pieces inside my chest. I was going through the motions: taking care of the kids, going to work, grocery shopping, laundry, etc, etc but I was a mess inside. I hadn’t slept more than 4 hours a night for three weeks and I couldn’t keep anything but tea and soup down. I was pretending that everything was normal; when in reality my whole life had been drastically changed. I must have looked like a zombie.

We were going to the Christmas party put on by my work. It was at a really nice hotel in downtown St Pete. Brad and I dressed up and headed downtown. When we entered the restaurant I saw all my co-workers and their spouses. Everyone looked so dressed up and festive. Everyone looked so happy. I wondered how many of them were faking their happiness like I was. And it hit me: I wasn’t special anymore.

You see, my relationship with Brad had always made me feel extraordinary. I knew we had something really special. Sometimes I wondered what I had done to be so lucky. How did I get such a phenomenal husband? He was the absolute love of my life. I could literally feel myself light up when he walked in the room. Wow, someone somewhere must be looking out for me.

Sometimes I felt smug about it. I would look at other couples and laugh to myself about how much better our relationship was. I thought we had it all.

So, when I looked around the restaurant that night, I had an epiphany. I realized I wasn’t special at all. I was ordinary. Actually I was less than ordinary, because I had a husband who felt he needed another woman in his life to fulfill him. I was a failure. And my heart broke a little more.

As we were walking to the car afterwards, I started crying. Brad asked me what my problem was, so I told him. He became angry and told me to stop bringing this stuff up all the time. We drove home in silence.

Thoughts on Anger

We never fought in our marriage. Not ever. We didn’t know how to. And this became a real problem, because infidelity is a huge issue that a couple has to tackle. Both parties have to feel safe communicating their feelings honestly, and both have to be able to accept the other party’s comments. We were a mess.

I’ve said this before – I’m not good at anger. Actually it’s more than that. I suck at anger. I mean it. I think it’s because I end up feeling worse afterwards. Not immediately afterwards, but a day or so later I feel I have to apologize to everyone who may have had to witness my tantrum. And I feel childish afterwards. It just doesn’t work for me, and isn’t worth it.

Brad is on the other end of the spectrum. He’s a master at anger. Apparently he had a terrible temper as a child, which is a really scary thought, because his temper now is, well, terrifying. Once when we had been living together for about six months or so we got into an argument. We were living in an apartment at the time. He threw his wine glass at the sliding glass door. It shattered. The plate glass window exploded. The wine glass was obliterated.

I learned quickly that making him feel bad about himself is a no-no. That is the worst thing you can do to him. Doesn’t matter what the subject is - money, friends, sex, kids, jobs, household stuff – whatever. If he feels that he’s being accused of being a bad guy he comes out guns blazing. His attacks are vicious, and he leaves his victims barely breathing. My discomfort at displaying anger increased, because now I was afraid of angering him. So I shut up. Or rather I swallowed the feelings and shut down.

One time a friend of his sent an email chiding him that he was losing his athletic touch. Granted the email had a few more zingers than it needed but it was meant to be funny, not mean. But Brad was terribly offended and felt foolish (which is another form of feeling bad about himself). He was furious. He went off. And that was the end of their relationship.

So where am I going with this? What happens to a couple of such extremes? Well, it worked, because I just backed off, and he controlled the house. If I didn’t like something, or was hurt by his behavior, I couldn’t tell him, so I didn’t. And if he didn’t like the way things were going he’d yell, scream and break something to regain what he felt was the upper hand.

We were really good at communicating through humor. When I was angry I could still use jokes to get through the day. And I could diffuse him with laughter too. It removed the stress.

Please don’t think that we lived together with him forever simmering and me simpering. Our life was really terrific 99% of the time. But we never learned how to handle conflict. I never learned to speak my mind confidently and he never learned to take responsibility. So when we found ourselves in the middle of this affair, neither of us was prepared to work our way through it because we had never learned how to fight. And it is so necessary if a marriage is going to survive.